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01 October 2002
Q. If someone’s crying, I automatically give them room. I figure crying is a private thing, something I wouldn’t want other people seeing me do, so I figure I’ll just let them work it out so I don’t make it worse. Still, is that the right response? Or is it better to go over to the person who’s crying and try to get their story?A. One of the hazards of just making yourself scarce is that you end up looking like one of those awful people who freak out at the sight of emotion. What do I mean here by “freaking out”? Many kids under age 10 (at least when I was young) thought it was cool and witty to “comfort” a sad person by calling him or her a “f@g” or a “crybaby” and leaving. I’m afraid many of those kids grew into adults who still think that way; the difference is now, instead of saying something unkind, they keep noticeably silent. (They do still leave the area.) Many of the rules we call “manners” are actually ways of filling those noticeable silences. Hello, thank you, you’re welcome, I’m so sorry — these are all things we say when a silence would imply “I’m not talking to you because you’re weird.” They are ways of signaling “I’m not someone who deserts or thinks less of my friends when they need understanding.” In other words, your friend’s grief is an opportunity for you to be seen standing apart from the critical masses, rather than standing apart from your friend. J. E. Brown relationship activist Relationshop Los Alamos, NM USA
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