definition of silent treatment

an original definition by J. E. Brown

the silent treatment

n., pejorative

  1. A form of spin. What abusers call the stunned reaction of their victims. After an abuser attacks his or her chosen target/victim, the abuser will often launch a second-wave attack which consists of criticizing the victim’s reaction to the earlier abuse. Abusers often criticize the stunned silence of their victims by snarling, “Now you’re giving me the silent treatment!”

Synonyms:

Shock; stunned silence; withdrawing.

Pouting, sulking, feeling sorry for yourself, self-pity, pity party, whining, withholding, and other terms used by abusers who need to be made single.

Related Concepts:

abusiveness; adding insult to injury (by criticizing the reaction to criticism); attempting to dictate and micromanage the emotions and reactions of others; blame shifting; bullying; dysfunction; gaslighting; kitchen sinking; needing more space; nit-picking; spin; victim blaming.

Etymology:

The term “silent treatment” appeared infrequently in books as far back as 1825 but did not go viral until about 1890, according to Google Books.

Comorbidities:

The abuser typically believes there will be any sex within 24 hours after a fight. Doesn’t even understand the connection. Says you’re “pouting”, “sulking”, “withholding”, “vengeful”, “manipulative”, etc. {Source: “Definition of Silent Treatment” by J. E. Brown.}

Some abusers may play cat-and-mouse games, like a cat that bats its prey into scared silence every time the prey tries to speak or move. Then, when the victim becomes motionless and speechless, that’s when the abuser accuses the victim of Pouting and giving the Silent Treatment.

Comparative Definitions:

Silent Treatment vs. Feeding Frenzy. In the basic Silent Treatment phenomenon, two people are involved:

  1. An abuser bullies a victim.
  2. Victim goes silent.
  3. The abuser reacts to the victim’s silence by bullying the victim further for feeling sad.

In a Feeding Frenzy, three or more people are involved:

  1. An abuser bullies a victim.
  2. Victim goes silent or fights back.
  3. A person or persons other than the first abuser respond to the victim’s reaction by bullying the victim further — in effect, joining the first abuser in ganging up on the victim.

Thus, in both cases, step #3 is an act of re-victimization.

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

Abuser Beliefs

Abusers like to gather on web forums to bash their victims. “Boo hoo hoo,” the abusers say, “He or she went all quiet. Why isn’t my marionette responding when I pull the strings?!” There’s no recognition that the poster hurt someone’s feelings — it’s all about Me Me Me.

Some abusers are just convinced they’re perfect (for beating up their family members verbally, physically, in every way they can invent), and that their victims are the abusive ones for being hurt and going silent.

Run away very fast from any abuser who wants you to believe that your stunned, silent reaction is verbal abuse against him. That’s when I know someone is playing fast and loose with definitions: He demonstrates that he can’t apply words correctly, and he pretends words mean things they don’t mean. He tries to pretend that something silent is verbal and something which is not abuse is abuse. Most heinous, he pretends that someone who doesn’t jump when he says “Jump” (i.e. someone who doesn’t obey his control tactics) is somehow the abusive one. How childish.

Abusers Commonly Believe:

  • that victims aren’t allowed to react to abuse.
  • that anyone who becomes sad must be bullied further, for being sad. In other words, the playground bully behavior which should have been corrected out of the bully survives into adulthood, and becomes the pattern for dealing with all adult relationships.
  • that you’re not allowed space and time to recover when they’ve upset you.

— J. E. Brown

Comebacks

Responses to a few childish debating tactics.

If someone tells you: Your correct response is:

“You’re giving me the silent treatment! That’s abuse!”

“Well, now that I see how you’ll twist things to win an argument, I can understand why people don’t like to talk to you!”

“If you really think silence is hurtful, then I’d advise that you stay away from things like trees and flowers and rocks, because those things are notorious for being quiet, and I wouldn’t want you to be injured or maimed by their silence. 🙂 ”

“You’re always pouting and sulking and giving me the silent treatment!”

“Gee, you don’t think it could be because you hurt my feelings? Oh that’s right, emotions don’t have causes. I forgot. 🙄"

— J. E. Brown

3rd edition 04 Feb 2023
2nd edition 25 Jul 2018
1st edition 01 Nov 2015


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